


The Run and Go

by HanBan



Category: Dan Howell&Phil Lester, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Kinda, M/M, Mental Support, Not really though, Or Is It?, Punk Phil, University AU, and Anathema, especially The Run and Go, explicit dark thoughts, finally complete, inspired by Twenty one Pilots songs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-08-09 08:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7794943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanBan/pseuds/HanBan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan does not date. Never. It was safer for everyone – that way no one could get close enough to him to hurt him nor too attached to him to be crashed by his emotional weight.<br/>But when Phil tries everything to get closer to him Dan starts to reconsider his own rules.<br/>Could Phil be strong enough to fight Dan's demons with him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Rule

**Author's Note:**

> This is highly inspired by loads of TOP songs and some of my own uni experiences.  
> Please leave your thoughts and opinions in the comments down below!  
> I'm not sure how frequently I'll update this, seeing as I'm still not quite sure where I'm even going with this story, so stay tuned and if you have any ideas on how to continue it feel free to message me on tumblr (cloudyrica)  
> Hope you enjoy it!

“I'm sorry, Eileen”  
“It's alright, don't worry.” The girl in front of him managed a nearly convincing smile onto her full lips, but her soft green eyes told Dan that she really was disappointed, probably even a bit embarrassed. After all, no one wanted the answer after asking someone out to be 'oh, I don't date'.  
Dan knew that Eileen thought it was some lame excuse and he was close to agreeing to going out with her just to prove her wrong, but he couldn't. Because it was no excuse, it was a rule. Dan did not date. Never. It was safer for everyone – that way no one could get close enough to him to hurt him nor too attached to him to be crashed by his emotional weight.  
So instead he shot Eileen another apologetic half-smile and watched her catch up with her friends at the bottom of the stairs, before turning in the direction of his next lecture a few rooms down the dimly lit hallway.  
He was about to put his headphones back on when a familiar voice called his name. Dan turned his head to see none other than Phil Lester lean against the wall just a few steps away from where Eileen had stopped him before. He knew Phil, of course he did. He shared the majority of Dan's courses and even though he always sat in the back it was impossible for anyone not to notice his stunning blue eyes, surrounded by hair as black as the ink of the tattoos that covered his arms. And his voice. His voice was like melted chocolate, dark and rough and wonderfully sweet. And everyone knew that because Phil liked to get into long arguments with his teachers and colleges, no matter what the topic, he seemed to have enough general knowledge to come up with a highly unconventional opinion on absolutely everything.  
However, Dan couldn't think of any occasion the boy had ever noticed him, so it came as quite a surprise to him now that Phil didn't only talk to him but apparently also knew his name.  
“Dan?” Phil repeated, amusement ringing in his voice that brought Dan back to reality.  
A bit too quickly, he pushed his headphones into his pocket and retraced his steps until he stood about a meter away from the other boy.  
“Yeah?” He asked.  
Phil let out a sort of giggle at Dan's confused expression, but with his dark voice it sounded more like a deep sigh.  
“So,” He started, his eyes locked to Dan's, who in turn let his gaze wander around the people passing by. “Does that 'no dates' rule apply to me as well?”  
Dan looked up in surprise, now unable to keep his eyes from widening and his cheeks from blushing.  
“Stay cool, Danny, it's only a hypothetical question.” Phil laughed again.  
As soon as Dan had regained control over his mind he ordered his heart to stop beating so damn fast. What was wrong with him, he wasn't normally this easily effected. He took a breath and put on his usual mask, hoping that would help him get back in character. And it did.  
Now way less flustered he raised an eyebrow at Phil and said:  
“Hypothetical you say?” Phil answered with a mischievous grin.  
“Well,” Dan continued “hypothetically I'd have to dumb you just like Eileen. After all, no dates means no dates.”  
He thought he saw a flicker of surprise cross Phil's face, but when the boy spoke he seemed just as cool as ever.  
“So there's no chance of convincing you to grab a coffee with me?”  
Dan was still confused as to why Phil, the most attractive boy to ever wander the hallway of their university, would want to go out with someone as ordinary as himself, but he would be damned if he let the opportunity of getting to know him pass. However, rules were rules. But....  
“As long as it's not a date, I don't see a problem with that.” He voiced his thoughts and received a smug grin from Phil.  
“Alright,” He answered. “Do you have time now?”  
Now it was Dan's turn to laugh, before responding with : “No, I don't, and neither do you. We've got a lecture, remember?”  
Phil didn't show any sign of embarrassment but only shrugged, adding: “Well, I was thinking about ditching, but if it's so important to you we can always get coffee afterwards.”  
And without waiting for Dan's answer he walked into their classroom and set down at the right end next to his usual neighbours, leaving Dan to cast a rather confused smile after him before sitting down close to the teacher's desk himself.


	2. Don't wanna give you all my pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Dan and Phil's first non-date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these are really short chapters, and that's probably gonna stay that what....turns out that's the way I work best :D Hope you still enjoy it!
> 
> A big THANK YOU to TsingaDark for proof reading <3

“So, tell me, Phil,” Dan started.  
They were sitting in the university's cafeteria, both with a cup of surprisingly acceptable coffee in front of them, and for the better half of the past twenty minutes Dan had been listening to Phil rant about teachers and classes, throwing in a comment himself every now and then, but always a little distracted by the constant repetition of one and the same question in the back of his mind.  
“Why the sudden interest in me?”  
Phil went quiet, pursing his lips and looking at Dan as if that question hadn't even occurred to him before. The younger boy waited patiently, sipping his coffee but never breaking eye contact.  
Finally, Phil stated, his voice as raw as ever but his expression one of amused wonder:  
“I guess it has always been there.” He looked directly at Dan, holding his gaze in an absent sort of way, and continued: “You are rather astonishing. Probably way more than you realise.”  
And with that he snapped back into his cocky alter ego, winking at his opposite and taking a sip of his coffee, but that short moment made Dan wonder how much more there was to this guy then he made everyone believe – and whether he would stick around long enough to find out.  
However, after this question was out of the way, their conversationflowed easily, both of them now participating in equal amounts, and they soon learned that they had quite a lot in common even beyond their choice of similar subjects. Most of those things Dan could have guessed, considering how listening to Muse rather suited Phil's dark appearance, but other things like their mutual love for Anime surprised both boys and made them fall into exited chats about their knowledge of the subject – that was until Dan felt their conversation becoming too personal and changed the topic. They played this little game of opening up and playing their characters again for nearly two hours, Dan constantly cautious not to reveal too much about himself, to laugh and smile and not let his darkness spill over their light-hearted exchange. When both their mugs only had a few drops of cold coffee left and the cafeteria started to empty the boys decided it was time for them to go home as well. Phil took their backpacks, gesturing for Dan to bring the mugs to the collection station for dishes at the exit and then they walked out into the cold air, Phil still holding Dan's backpack whilst having his own casually swung over one shoulder. The younger made an attempt to take it back, but Phil just laughed and held it out of reach so instead Dan picked up the conversation they had ended on in the cafeteria by asking:  
“So why didn't you go with your friend then, if the camp is such a great opportunity?”  
He was referring to a media camp Phil had told him about that his friend PJ was currently attending and that he had thought about going to as well to build up his experiences in order to get into the film business one day.  
Phil's sky blue eyes seemed lost in the distance for a moment before he shrugged and answered:  
“Don't know, really. I would have had to get a pass from uni for the two weeks, but PJ managed to do that so I guess so could I....I think I was just more interested in what's going on here.” He winked at Dan who rolled his eyes at him but smiled nontheless. He still didn't quite understand why the older suddenly wanted to get to know him, but he did like the attention.  
When they reached the bus stop he was finally allowed to take his stuff back, brushing against Phil's hands in the process of doing so and noticing the slight grin this caused on the boy's face.  
Then they stood there awkwardly until Phil said:  
“This was fun. I'm glad you agreed to it.”  
Dan smiled, nodding his head slightly. He was a bit afraid of what would come next. And as expected, Phil continued “So, same time next week?” with an expression that was so confident, Dan felt even worse when wiping it off by muttering “Sorry, can't”.  
He didn't look at the other boy, but the “Oh” he heard spoke for itself. However, Phil got his act back together rather quickly and asked: “Another time then?”  
This time Dan looked up when he said “Yeah, maybe.” and he was glad to see his bus drive by in the corner of his eye so that he could let out a short “See ya” before turning around and hurrying to his own bus stop some five meters away. But he couldn't help to notice Phil's look before making his escape. To his surprise, it wasn't disappointment he saw. There was some confusion, yes, but mostly it was a sort of amused curiosity and for some reason that realisation left Dan with a funny feeling in his stomach for the rest of the ride home.


	3. I am up against the wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their non-date Dan tries to avoid Phil but Phil sure as hell won't let him....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the updates how coming way more frequently than I expected!  
> (Don't get used to it tho)  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, I really liked coming up with the library scene ;)  
> And again a massive thanks to TsingaDark!

The next time he saw Phil, he sat in his usual place in the back of the lecture room, telling his friend PJ a seemingly really interesting story, judging by his exited gesturing that made everyone around them turn away in order to not get hit in the face. Dan was tempted to walk right out of the room again, but seeing as the other boy hadn't spotted him yet and he really couldn't afford to ditch this class, he reluctantly took a seat near the door. 

The night after their non-date in the cafeteria Dan had stayed up late, trying to figure out what had happened and why the bloody hell he had let it come so far. Because after the euphoria of the nice afternoon had died down, all he could think was how stupid he had been. He had rushed home, ignored his flat mate asking him about school and thrown himself onto his bed face first whilst hitting the pillow in anger at himself. He never let anyone that close. Why did he agree to talking to Phil?! And why did he enjoy it so much, why did he get so careless, why did he tell that random boy so much about himself?! “Because he's not some random boy,” came the immediate answer from that stupid little voice somewhere in the back of his mind. And that made it even worse. Had it been anyone else, Dan might have just forgot he'd ever let his guards down, but because it was Phil with his Prince Charming smile and those clear blue eyes and that deep giggle it was just impossible – and them having nearly all the same courses didn't particularly help either. 

 

Now there he set, his head down, only a pen and his notebook out on the small table in front of him so that he could leave as soon as the bell would ring.  
However, when he did jump up at the first sound of it, Phil had already reached him.  
“Those freaking long legs!” Dan thought and put on his neutral face.  
“Hey,” Phil said, his expression as relaxed as ever, but his eyes sparkling with excitement.  
“Hi,” Dan answered awkwardly.  
“Interesting session, don't you reckon?” It was obvious that Phil was struggling for conversation, but even if Dan wanted to, he couldn't really respond to that. He had been too busy not turning around to see whether Phil was looking at him to actually follow the lesson going on in front of him. So instead he just shrugged in agreement, hoping that would be enough for Phil.  
On the contrary, Dan's lack of participation just seemed to encourage Phil even more, now determined to get the other to talk to him. So when the younger managed to slip out of the room and walked away towards his next course, Phil simply followed him.

“Dan, come on, wait up,” he laughed behind him. The fact that he was in such a good mood irritated Dan even more – did he interpret their last encounter wrong? Did Dan not make it clear enough that their nice little chat was a one time thing? Seemingly not.  
Dan frowned but slowed his steps anyway.  
When Phil caught up with him he shot him an amused look before asking: “In a hurry, are you?”  
Again, Dan decided that a shrug would be enough of an answer, but Phil had already carried on.  
“Listen, I was just wondering what you're doing tomorrow? Cause PJ just told me about that new coffee shop in town where the drinks are all named after comic book characters and I thought maybe you'd like to”  
He didn't get to finish that sentence because that was the moment Dan had had enough and went for a spontaneous detour to the library they had just passed. And when Phil caught up with him again he was already passing the massive signs at the door that read 'Quiet please, this is a work space'.

He went to stroll around the shelfs, not actually looking for anything, Phil right next to him.  
“Ahh, see what you did there,” he muttered in Dan's ear, a smug grin on his lips.  
“But it's gonna fire back on you, you just wait and see.”  
And with that he walked over to the reception, took a map of the library from the counter and, whilst heading back to Dan, somehow miraculously folded it into a rose. Then he shot the other boy, who now was only a few steps away from him and couldn't hide the look of curiosity and fear on his face, one last challenging smile, before falling down to one knee and starting to very loudly announce:  
“Jasper Stevens, I love you with all my heart.”

Immediately, heads turned and people got up from their seats, until the entire library was facing them. Dan felt his face go red.  
“You are the one for me,” Phil was completely in character now, the only sign that this was an act was the twitching in the corner of his mouth. “I knew it from the day I ran into you right here in this library two years ago. So please, Jasper, will you do me the honour of becoming my husband?”  
Dan's whole body was boiling hot by now and he barely heard the 'awwww' that went through the rows around him. It was only when an annoyed voice from the far back shouted “Just say yes already, will you? Some people are trying to study here!” that he snapped out of his state of shock.  
He looked down at Phil who raised an eyebrow, his eyes indicating that he was doing his best not to burst out laughing. When even more people started coughing awkwardly Dan realised that his plan had indeed fired back and that he had no choice but to play into Phil's hands, so reluctantly he put on a fake smile and shouted: “YES! Oh gosh, babe, I thought you'd never ask.”  
Phil looked surprised at this over exaggeration, but got up to hug him nontheless and after everyone had applauded them the two of them walked out.

As soon as they had closed the doors behind them, Dan spun around and hissed: “What the hell was that?!”  
Phil took a moment to stop his laughing, before answering: “You did very well, have you ever thought about a career as an actor? And could at least thank me for using a fake name.”  
Although that was true, Dan just shot him a death glare and turned around again, now nearly running in the direction of his next course. He was positively late.  
Of course Phil came running after him, grabbing his arm when he didn't slow down.  
“Oh, come on, you gotta admit that was quite some stunt I pulled there, just to talk to you.” His voice was more serious now, the smile gone from his face to leave an almost concerned expression.  
Dan couldn't take it any longer. He stopped dead, leaving Phil to nearly fall over in an attempt to spin around just as quickly, and shouted, not even caring anymore who heard them.  
“So why do you even bother if it's such a burden?!”  
For a second Phil looked hurt and Dan thought he might actually leave now. But then the older said: “You really wanna know?”  
“Yeah!”  
“Okay. Meet me here tomorrow at five and I'll tell you.” He pressed a small piece of paper into Dan's hand.  
And again, Dan was the one left behind.


	4. Migraine in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's explanation day!  
> And it's very sad.....

The second Dan opened his eyes, he knew it was one of those days.   
One of those dark, numb, exhaustingly long and really foggy days that made him want to turn around in bed and just sleep again until the next morning. And sometimes he did. Sometimes meaning today. Yes, today he didn't even try fighting it, he couldn't bring up the strength to rid his useless body of the ghosts on his inside that held his heart and lungs in their icy, strong hands and whispered bittersweet nothings in his brain.

For a moment he thought about the seminar he was going to miss and the awkward talk he would have to have with a class mate he never even said hi to once to get their notes for the day, but that was all pushed away by the dumb pain in his head that worked like a sleeping pill and within a few minutes he had his eyes closed and his duvet gripped tightly like a lifeline. 

His dreams were filled with demons going on and on about the stupidity of life and Dan slipped in and out of sleep so many times he forgot which was which, could only vaguely make out the difference between light and dark. So when he heard a shrill sound he first thought it might be a new way of punishment that his mind had come up with, before finally recognising it as his phone.

He moved slowly, the numbness still binding his body and the torturous sleep clinging on to him.  
When he switched on the lights it was like an electric shock went through his fingers and it took Dan a minute to wake up enough to even remember where he had put his phone the night before.   
When he found it his expression shifted to surprise as he saw the five text message symbols blinking in the top corner.  
'Who the hell sends me texts messages?'   
Only a hand full of people even had his number, including his technology hating parents and a friend back from school whom he hadn't talked to in years.

The surprise was even bigger when he opened the first text: “Is our date still on?”  
DATE?!  
What?  
Dan was now fully awake, although his brain obviously hadn't changed since this morning because it took him three more texts (“Did you loose my number or something?” “Not as curious as you said you were, hm?” and “Alright, but I'll take my secret to the grave if you don't show up today”) to understand that they came from Phil.  
His first thought was 'how did he get my number?', his second one 'Oh shit, what time is it?!'  
4:30 pm.  
Shit.  
He had totally forgotten about this.

For about a minute he debated ignoring the texts and going straight back into survival mode, but then he remembered yesterday's events and Phil's expression when Dan had asked why he wanted to spent time with him and his need to get an answer won over.  
So he changed into some random - but very black - clothes, scuffled into the bathroom to brush his teeth and grabbed his bag and keys.

 

When he entered the little coffee shop near the end of a semi busy road in the town centre, his mood had developed from bad to annoyed to pissed off to not caring at all and just wanting to get this over with. Consequently, his reaction to Phil waving at him from a table by the window was a deep sigh and a heartless “whatever has the most caffeine in it” to the waitress swirling over to take his order before sinking into the red cushion of his chair.

“Wow, someone looks motivated today.” Phil commented in an amused way, but when Dan just shot him a death glare his expression went serious.  
“You ok?”  
“Sure, fine, just don't expect me to talk much.”   
“Oookaayy.....” And with that Phil put on his mischievous grin again.   
“Do you want to eat something? They have those cookies here – nearly as sweet as you are!”  
But that's where Dan cut him off. 

“Phil,” he said with an air somewhere between annoyed and beaten. “I'm not here to flirt. This isn't a date – as you may remember, I don't do dates.”   
He stressed those last words like he was about to spell them out for him.   
Phil kept his grin up, but his eyes got a lot darker at Dan's words.  
“So, please, just say want you have to say, okay?”  
It was exhausting to have to sit here and talk. All those people around them, chatting and laughing. The smell of way too sweet coffee rip offs and Phil right in front of him with that handsom face looking all disappointed. 'Great job, Dan,' he thought 'even without a relationship you managa to let him down.'

“Alright.” Phil had crossed his arms in front of him and seemed to look everywhere but at Dan.  
But is looked like he was gonna make it easy for him and get right to it.  
“You asked me why I was interested in you.” Finally his eyes caught Dan's.  
“Yeeaahh” The other agreed when nothing followed.  
“Well....” There was a sigh, a shuffle and a big sip of coffee before he continued.  
“To be honest, Dan, I'm not sure how to explain it. Or if you even wanna hear it.”  
“I do, so how about you try?”  
“Okay, if you say so. Well, you know how you spent a lot of your time alone, reading or doing homework or, you know, actually taking notes in class?”  
Again, Dan had to show his agreement for Phil to go on.  
“Well, at first I thought that was kinda...mysterious. You know, that untouchable attitude thing.”  
He kept a straight face whilst saying this, but this time it was Dan who avoided the other's eyes.  
“And then I noticed that you don't really seem to have friends. And I figured you were like really shy or insecure or something. And, I don't know, I guess that was kinda cute.”  
Now both of them blushed, but Phil quickly cleared his throat and continued.

“But then....then you didn't turn up for class one day and that was weird because you always were there and the prof didn't know you weren't there so you obviously didn't sign off due to illness or something and I thought well, maybe something else happened, so when you came back the next day I kinda...watched you...you know, to figure out what happened....and I saw those dark rings under your eyes and how you didn't meet anyone's looks and didn't take notes as usual so I thought something bad must have happened....but then it happened again and you kept looking so sad and.....”   
Ha had talked fast, nearly too fast for Dan to understand him, but now he had to catch his breath and in this little time of quiet Dan caught on and his eyes widened. He knew what would come next. 

Phi knew. Phil knew and he would ask him about it and all of a sudden all Dan could think about was how to get out of here. His heart raced and his hands began to sweat. He got up. He ignored Phil, who tried to grab his hand to make him stay. He ignored the waitress asking if he was okay and the other customers looking up when his chair fell to the ground with a loud bang.   
He pushed open the doors and left.

It was only two corners away that someone called his name and he felt a hand on his shoulder.   
He didn't remember telling his body to turn around but suddenly he stood face to face to Phil who looked shocked and sad and there was a tear rolling down Dan's face that he hadn't noticed before and he wanted to turn away again but Phil held his shoulder tight and wiped away the tear and said his name over and over until:  
“When was that?”  
Dan's voice sounded far away and both boys needed a moment to understand where it came from.  
“About a month ago.”  
“A month.” It wasn't a question, nor an accuse, just a statement. A month. Phil had known for a month. He had watched him for a month.  
Dan couldn't stay. He had to go. Now.   
“Dan, please, let's talk about this.”  
The pressure on his chest was horrible, like his lungs were refusing to let any air in or out.  
Why did his body hate him so much?  
“Dan, please. I'm worried about you.”

And with that he was back.   
“You're worried about me?!”  
He shrugged Phil's hand off and pushed the other boy away.  
“Well, guess what. I don't need your worry or your pity or whatever the hell this is!”  
Phil tried to take his hand again, but Dan took two steps back. The blue eyes filled with helplessness, with fear and hurt, but the brown ones were a storm.  
“I don't need you and your stupid help! Get it? You can go now! Go be Mr. Cool again, with your stupid grin and that oh-so-great leather jacket of yours - or find yourself someone else as your charity project because I don't want you in my life!”   
He knew that he was shouting and that people were looking but he didn't care.   
Phil knew and that was the most horrible thing that had ever happened to him.  
No one knew and no one was supposed to know, especially not some jerk from uni who could tell all his dumb friends until everyone was in on the joke.

He shot Phil one last glare that would hopefully keep him away for ever before turning around and running away without the intention of ever stopping again.  
Not even when he heard Phil say “I still care.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so...well, depressing....  
> that's kinda also why it took me so long to write.  
> Anyways, hope you still liked it, kudos and comments are very welcome :)  
> Also, if you ever feel this sad, please talk to someone and I am also there for you if you need me, so feel free to message me


	5. Tonight I need you to stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How about I dedicate this to you, dren33?  
> Thanks for motivating me to write on

“Dan. Dan, please.”  
He couldn't even avoid Phil for two hours. He'd been purposefully late to their first lecture, so that the other boy wouldn't have a chance to talk to him, but the plan of leaving as soon as the professor ended the session and then run to the next one hadn't included about 30 other students who were now blocking the way out. And of course, that three second delay of Dan's escape was enough for Phil to catch up with him.  
Dan tried to fight his way through the people around him whilst ignoring Phil, but the other took hold of his arm and forced him to turn around. 

“Dan, please, talk to me.”  
Phil's voice had never sounded that desperate and Dan noticed some students next to him turning to see what was coursing this softness with the well known bad boy, but Phil didn't seem to care.  
He was still holding on to Dan's arm, less tight now, more caressing the younger boy's light skin.  
For about a second Dan was willing to give in to his warm, hopeful look, but then he snapped his arm back and walked away. He knew he'd be forced to see Phil in his next lecture again, but he just hoped that he could take a hint to leave him alone from now on.

And when he saw the black leather jacket passing his seat to the end of the room out of the corner of his eye twenty minutes later, he let out a sigh of release.  
He still wasn't able to concentrate, though. His notebook was filled with little doodles and he kept glancing at the back rows unvoluntarily. At one point he even met eyes with Phil, who appeared to be watching him during the entire session, but he turned away quickly and didn't look back afterwards.

The moment Dan got home, he fell down into his bed, letting out a tortured 'ough' sound.  
He had been up all night thinking about the non-date and everything that Phil had said.  
Was he really that obvious?  
Would Phil tell his friends? Probably. Would they play the same little game with him the Phil did? Hopefully not.  
Would Dan have to change Uni? No, but he'd have to rearrange his schedule as soon as possible. Damn it.  
That night in combination with the hell that was today's cat and mouse game made Dan want to crawl under his blanket and never come out again.  
For a second he just lay still and considered his options, but then he realised that he couldn't really do much but carry on and hope for the best.

So he struggled into a standing position and started unpacking his back, already going through his homework and research for the next day, when something fell out from between his books.  
Something small, with hurried blue writing on it.  
Dan stood paralysed, watching the note as if it was on fire, and then leaned down to pick it up.  
The first thing he read was 'Sorry'.  
He let his back fall onto a chair and said down on an other one himself, the little piece of paper in hand.

'Dear Dan.  
I'm Sorry for the way I did this. For the way I brought it up. It was too...direct?  
But I'm not sorry that I did it. You have a problem and I am willing to help.  
And if you don't want to talk to me then talk to someone else. You need help.  
Phil'

At first, Dan didn't know how to react. He was shocked. Surprised. Confused.  
And then angry.  
He jumped off his chair, ripped the note into pieces, kicked his desk, shouted in pain, threw the paper pieces to the ground, stamped around on them, shouted some more, and fell down into his bed again.  
He didn't recall crying, but his face was wet and his eyes burned.  
He listened for his flat mates, hoped they weren't there, hoped they hadn't heard him.  
His heart was beating fast and his breathing was irregular.  
The anger was gone.  
All that was left now was the one question : Was Phil right?

Dan woke up to darkness.  
When did he fall asleep?  
He couldn't remember.  
As his eyes got used to the lack of light he could make out his room. The dozen little pieces of Phil's note still on the ground. His books shattered all over the ground next to the chair with the backpack on it.  
His pillow was wet, his cheeks felt dirty. He licked the remains of salty tears from his lips.  
The phone on his bedside table told him that it was 4am.  
Through the walls he could hear one of his flat mates snoring. He always suspected it to be Casper but he couldn't be sure.  
There was a car going by.  
Then silence.  
Silence and darkness.  
He turned over so that he was lying on his back, his hand linked behind his head, his eyes on the ceiling above him.  
His head was quiet, too.  
He took a deep breath before remembering the blue words.  
'You need help.'  
Did he?  
He closed his eyes, opened them again, a change from black to black.  
Would help make a difference?  
Would anything?  
Silence.

He didn't get up when the sun entered his room.  
He couldn't be that strong today. It was just too hard, too much.  
Instead, he pulled the blanket up to his eyes and turned to face the wall.  
Someone was in the kitchen. He could hear music from outside.  
He closed his eyes and the world fell silent again.

The loud sound from the doorbell didn't wake him up, he had been awake all day.  
It was around 2 or 3 pm, the sun was burning through his window, the air was thick.  
He didn't get up.  
There was faint sound of a TV in one of the other rooms, someone else would open the door.  
The doorbell rang again.  
A parent? A delivery guy? Someone who had forgotten their keys?  
Dan didn't care, he just wanted the noise to end.  
After the third ring he finally heard someone opening the door.  
Two voices were speaking, one sounded like Joe.  
The door closed again, steps were coming down the corridor.

“I'm not sure he's here,” Joe said.  
“I hope so,” a darker voice answered.  
Dan closed his eyes again.  
They were passing Joe's room. Then Casper's.  
Were they coming to Dan?  
He tightened his grip around the blanket, his eyes still closed.  
Joe knocked at his door.  
“Dan?”  
Nothing.  
“Dan? You have a visitor.”  
He kept quiet.  
“Sorry dude, doesn't seem to be there.”  
“Oh. Ehm....Would it be okay if I went in to leave him a note?”  
“....I guess. Okay.”  
The door opened and for two or three irrational seconds Dan thought they wouldn't see him. But of course they did. His bed was right opposite the entrance.  
The footsteps stopped.  
“Oh.”  
“Dan?”  
Shit.

The boys didn't say anything else, but Dan could feel them communicating silently behind his back.  
The door closed, but he knew that Phil was still in the room.  
His footsteps came closer to the bed and then his hand was on Dan's shoulder.  
“Dan?”  
It was hopeless, he had to say something now.  
“What do you want here?” He tried to sound as cold as possible, but his voice betrayed him.  
A small part of him was glad that Phil came, that he cared.  
“You weren't in any of your lectures today. I was wor....” Phil stopped himself, probably thinking of the last time he said those words. “I wanted to make sure you're okay.” He continued instead.

That was it. Dan could just tell him he was fine and ask him to leave. But something stopped him. He had spent the last 16 hours thinking about Phil's note. And at around 8am he had to admit that it felt good to know that someone was there. Whether he needed it or not.  
“Are you? Ok?” Phil's hand was still on his shoulder, but after some hesitation he also set down on the edge of Dan's bed.  
His fingers were warm and soft.

“I don't know.” Dan finally admitted.  
That was Phil needed. Still hesitating, but a lot less afraid now, he laid down beside Dan and put his arm around him.  
His leather jacket was cold against Dan's bare arm and at first the younger boy wanted to push him away, but then he felt something he hadn't felt in a very long time : comfort.

He leaned back against the other one's body and let our a slow breath.  
“Do you want to talk?” Phil's hot breath tickled Dan's neck.  
“No.” He closed his eyes again.  
“Could you maybe just....stay?”


	6. The moring after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a really short one to get it out of my head so that I can start planning what should happen next bc tbh I have no idea, meaning I have waayy too many ideas all at once that don't all work together.....

Dan woke up to the sound of quiet swaring.  
“Phil?”  
The words stopped and Phil turned to face the bad, one foot in his hand and jumping up and down on the other one.  
“Morning sunshine.” He gave Dan his famous half grin while finally coming to a hold and setting down his other foot.  
Dan set up in bed and cleared his throat before asking: “What's wrong?”  
Phil set down next to him on the edge of the bed and started putting on his shoes.  
“Nothing really, just hurt my toe on that heavy backpack of yours.” He supported his words by gesturing vaguely in the direction of Dan's backpack on the ground. “What's in there? Brick stones?” A light giggle escaped his lips as he set up to look at Dan.  
Dan smiled as well, but was still way too sleepy to answer.

Phil's expression got serious as he asked: “How are you feeling?”  
“Fine.” Came the immediate answer and for a moment the two boys just looked at each other, trying to read the other's mind, trying to figure out what to do next.   
Finally Phil got up, took his own backpack from the ground and said: “Well, okay, I've gotta go now...See you later?”  
Dan was still sleepy, and now a bit taken aback by the sudden change of mood, but he nodded anyway and waited until he heard the front door close before letting his head fall back against the wall with a deep sigh. 

Okay.  
What now?   
Phil had seen him down, he had taken care, he hadn't asked any stupid questions or made fun of him, he'd been...nice.   
So far so good?  
But this morning...he'd just left. Was he ashamed?   
Dan sank down into his pillows. 

That's why didn't let anyone see him this way. They all got weird and ran away sooner or later. No matter what they said, no matter how much they told him they cared. They left. Just like Phil. Just like everyone else before.  
He closed his eyes again, tempted to go back to sleep, but then he remembered that he had classes as well and that he should probably get going now if he wanted to be on time for once.   
As he left the house ten minutes later, he briefly wondered what would happen when he'd meet Phil at uni, but decided not to care about that until it actually happened. And with that he closed the door.


	7. Sofa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a bit of a misunderstanding...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo, I finally dreamed the next chapter! Yes, dreamed - that's how my brain works :D  
> It's not that long, but I hope you enjoy it anyways.  
> And let me just tell you, from now on there will be a lot of fluff, so prepare for that!  
> Also, I'm running out of top related titles so sorry for whatever will come after 'sofa'.

Dan only just made it into the classroom before the professor closed the doors and with a muttered 'sorry' he set down in the second row to quietly unpack his notebook and slow down his breathing.

Only when he calmed down a bit, about five minutes into the lecture, did he remember that a certain someone was supposed to be in this class as well.   
He immediately turned around without any chance to let his body know that it should act cool and uninterested.   
However, Phil didn't even seem to notice his sudden movement for he was talking to his friend PJ back in the last row.   
Judging from his wide gesturing, he was telling a rather funny story, all along keeping up his mischievous grin.  
How does he do that while talking? Dan wondered.  
And then : Oh, shit, why is PJ looking at me?  
He quickly turned around again, hoping against all knowledge that the other boy didn't catch him staring.  
Why did PJ look over? What was Phil telling him that had to do with.....Oh no. Shit. Shit shit shit.

Panic started to take over his mind, filling it with memories of past scenarios like this – none of which had ended in his favour.   
He thought about leaving the classroom, running away and never coming back.   
But reality caught up with him and he knew he couldn't just leave. Not again.   
So he stayed. Took some deep breaths, focused on the words of the professor and pushed everything else to the back of his mind. Oh dammit.

At least it looked like Phil would support his plan of 'forgetting everything' for when they all left the room and made their way to their next classes, there was no one shouting Dan's name after him or grabbing his arm or whatever else Phil had done to get his attention.  
So Dan made it to his class without interruptions and when he set down in his seat and took out his notebook, he let out a sigh of relief.  
Too soon, as it turned out.

A few seconds after he was seated, someone set down next to him. At first, Dan didn't care. He never talked to anyone at uni, so why would he even bother to know who was sitting around him?  
But then he heard the unmistakable sound of rustling leather.  
Oh, come on! Why?  
He didn't turn to face the other boy, he wouldn't give him that satisfaction.  
However, when Phil 'accidentally' bumped his elbow against Dan's, looking up was just a reflect.   
And so they set there, looking at each other, Dan annoyed and a bit dumb folded, Phil kinda....hopeful?

“Hey.” The older started. He used that soft, deep voice that made Dan's insides shiver.  
“Hey.” He answered with his best I-don't-care-what-you're-gonna-say-so-don't-even-try-it expression.  
It seemed to work, confusion washed over Phil's face before he caught himself and put up his damn smile again.   
He still asked though: “Everything okay?”  
“Sure.” And with that Dan turned to face the front, where their professor was already welcoming to this lecture.   
But Phil wouldn't give up.

“Dan, what's wrong? This morning” Dan shot him an angry look and tried to see whether anyone had heard what Phil had said.   
“Sorry.” the other boy apologised, appearing to know exactly what Dan was worried about. “But...earlier it seemed like everything was fine. You know. We were fine.”  
Did he sound hurt?  
What the hell? Was this some kind of stupid game?  
Still, Dan knew that Phil wouldn't shut up until he had an answer so he decided to just go straight to the truth.   
“Well, that was before you did exactly what I knew you would do.” He hissed, still not facing the other one.  
“What?” Now he was really confused.  
Dan rolled his eyes before adding, in a very annoyed manner: “What did you tell PJ earlier that he had to look over to me?”  
He didn't expect an answer, but Phil immediately started talking.

“Well, I had to explain why I was wearing the same cloths as yesterday but I don't get why you are angry now....Woooo, wait!” Dan qickly looked around at Phil's little shout, but apart from a few students in front of them, no one seemed to care. Phil lowered his voice again and continued.   
“Did you seriously think I'd tell him about...you know...you? Dan, I told him you'd finally agreed to go out with me and I missed my last train so you let me sleep on your sofa!”  
Finally, the younger boy met his glance.   
There was a moment of hesitation, of considering his options and the possibility of Phil's story.

But when Phil said, in his sweet, soft, organs twisting voice: “Dan, I'd never hurt you like that.”  
Dan couldn't help but smile.  
He felt a bit stupid for assuming the worst right away, but it didn't look like Phil was angry about that.   
On the contrary, as Dan mumbled a short “okay,” Phil smiled the widest smile ever and turned to face the front, not without letting their arms touch between them thogh.  
And Dan was really glad that he was left handed, so that he didn't have to break the contact when he started taking notes again.   
He couldn't help but add: “I don't even have a sofa.”


	8. Don't wanna hand you all my trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's there but Dan doesn't want him to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'dark thoughts' are a bit more prominent in this one, so I thought I'd warn you about that.   
> If you don't want to read those, just leave out the paragraph between 'However, one Sunday' and 'Ten minutes'.

They set together for the rest of the day and even if Dan started to wonder, what Phil had told his friend to explain abandoning him, he sure as hell wouldn't voice those thoughts. But as much as he enjoyed the other boy's company, there was something bothering him.  
And when their last class was over and they walked down to the entrance hall together Dan knew he'd have to say something now.   
However, Phil was quicker. One minute they were chatting light-heartedly about their professors, the next the older stopped at the spot, causing Dan to bump into him from behind.  
“What?”

“Ehm, Dan. I just wanted to make sure...you know, today was nice and everything, I just wanted to remind you...I am here.”   
He still wore his usual bad-boy-melting-hearts expression, but his eyes were serious when they met Dan's.  
“Ookaay.” Dan answered, not quite understanding what was going on.  
“I mean. You know, when you feel...not so good...down....I am here. You have my number, call me, okay? Any time.”  
“Oh.” Alright, looks like this was the moment Dan had to cut the line.

He shifted awkwardly, thinking about what to say. All the while, Phil was watching him attentively.  
“Listen, Phil. It's really nice of you to offer...” Was Phil blushing? No, concentrate, go on!  
He took a deep breath before concluding: “But I won't.”  
He saw Phil's blue eyes shift from sky to ocean to thunder back to sky.  
There was a small moment when his smile was lost, but within seconds he put it back up and simply said: “Well, just know you can. See you, Dan.”  
He winked and was gone.   
And Dan watched after him, that black spot in the masses of students around him, that was actually so full of light.   
He was tempted to run after him – whether it would be to hug him or to tell him to fuck off, he didn't know – but instead he tore his eyes away from Phil and walked the other way.

Throughout the next few day, it looked like Phil would accept his wish to not be so close. Well, kinda. He couldn't keep himself from winking every time he passed Dan. But that was okay, seeing as it meant that he was actually passing by and not stopping. Dan could live with that.   
Even when once, a girl in front of him turned around abruptly after the wink and asked, in her most Mean Girl inspired voice possible as Dan immediately thought:   
“Are you and Phil Lester dating?”.   
She seemed more than happy to believe when Dan denied.

Of course, there were some moments when he started to reconsider his decision to push the other boy away. Like when he was laying in bed alone, no cold leather and warm breaths anywhere near. Or when he set in the cafeteria and remembered their first...non date.   
But he knew that he made the right decision, that he didn't have much of a choice and that he would forget about that stupid punk kid in no time.

Except he didn't.  
Every time he had a bad day, he heard Phil saying “I'm here.”  
He was close to calling him at least once, the phone was already in his hand before he realised what he was doing.   
He even had those stupid hopes of hearing a deep, rough voice every time the front door opened when he stayed at home for a day.   
But of course it never was. And of course it was unfair to be angry at Phil for that. After all, it was what he had wanted. Still wanted.

However, one Sunday afternoon, it got too much.  
He'd been down for three days already, his mind filled with fog and occasional entrances of shadows, both of them hiding everything he ever learned about remembering the people that loved him. What people? He was alone. Alone in a small, cold room, no sunshine breaking through the rain clouds outside that matched his inside so perfectly he thought he might be imagining that grey sky. He tried listening to music, but everything sounded monotone, and every book he read spelled 'death'. His tears had been gone by Friday, his sadness vanished into numbness by Saturday and his skin felt like prison.  
He hadn't eaten that day, hadn't managed to get up once. He'd been strong enough to go to uni, knowing full well he couldn't not attend the courses. But now it felt like the energy he used for those movements, those attempt of clear thoughts, was taken from him violently, streaming out of him like blood out of a fresh wound.  
He couldn't take it anymore.   
He knew he needed....someone. Someone to be there, to talk to him, to reach through the fog and open up the clouds.  
And so he called.

It was only one ring before he picked up, only a tired “Phil?” before he said “I'll be there in ten minutes.” and then he was gone again. Silence.  
Ten minutes.  
Ten minutes to regret what he had done, to think of something he could say to make him leave, to hope it wasn't too late to close up again.  
But as soon as those strong, lanky arms wrapped around him and he heard the familiar voice whisper his name, he forgot everything and just let himself fall into the warmth.


	9. Taking time in a simple place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil are Friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short again and it's basically just the preparation for the next plot line.  
> Still, I enjoyed writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it as well :*

Dan didn't question why Phil had come prepared to stay the night.  
He was just glad he wouldn't have to face the dark alone – even if his bed wasn't really made for two people. But they had managed before and they did again, Phil's arm wrapped loosely around Dan.  
They hadn't talked much, especially not about why Phil was there, but they had agreed to go to uni the next morning, so the Dan had set the alarm for 7am.   
Before he fell asleep Dan whispered “Thanks” into the quiet between Phil's deep breaths, and even though the older boy had closed his eyes a long while ago Dan felt his embrace tighten around him in response. 

When the alarm went off the next morning, both of them were already awake, but neither had made a move to leave the comfortable warmth of their entangled bodies.  
As the new sound cut through the silence between them, Phil lifted his arm off of Dan and started getting up, but Dan laid a hand on his arm that froze his movements.   
“Phil?”   
“Yeah Dan?” 

They were looking straight at each other now and a blush coloured Dan's cheeks as he continued:   
“I just...I'm thankful that you...well....I mean....I just don't want you to get a wrong idea.”   
These last words had left his mouth in a rush, increasing the red in his face even further.   
Phil new he probably shouldn't but he couldn't help a grin form on his lips at the sight.   
“It's okay, Dan. I still think you're cute and all, but...for now, let's just say we're friends, okay?”   
Something crossed the younger boy's face, a mix of emotion that Phil didn't quite understand. Surprise. Relief. And Fear.   
But eventually he simply nodded in response and let go of Phil's arm to start making his way out of bed as well.

Their first lecture didn't start until 9am, so they decided to have breakfast at the little coffee shop on campus.   
They both had ordered a big cup of coffee and the way they set there next to each other, making light-hearted conversation and sipping the hot liquid, Dan felt reminded of that day in the cafeteria almost three weeks ago.  
He couldn't help a smile cross his lips as he thought about how far they had come since then, but only a second later, the doubt started playing with mind again. He'd had a friend like Phil before. Would this end the same way? Before his brain could start racing he pushed the thought aside.   
Not now.   
Not today.

“Hey Dan?” Phil interrupted his battle with himself.  
“Yeah?”   
“I promised my mum I'd come home right after uni today to watch my little sister...”  
“Okay?” Dan put down his coffee, wondering what Phil was going to say.  
“I was wondering – would you maybe wanna come with me?”  
Oh.  
“To your home?”  
“Yeah.” Phil chuckled at Dan's shocked expression.  
“I don't know....”  
“Oh, come on, I've been at your place twice already, it only seems fair that you know where I live as well. Plus, it'll be much more fun with you – Amy can be a bit boring.”  
Now Dan couldn't help but laugh. “Wow, your convincing skills are amazing!”  
Phil looked honestly pleased at this, his grin widening even further. “Soooo?”  
Dan bit his lip, considering his answer. Finally he sighed and said: “Okay, fine, I guess I can join you.”  
“Great!” Still smiling, Phil emptied his coffee in one go, got up and added: “Come on, class starts in ten minutes.”


	10. Take me home and show me the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gets to see Phil's home - and a whole different side of him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay, finally a new chapter! And qiute a long one as well...  
> I hope you like it, comments and kudos are veerryy welcome ;)  
> Also, this time the title is from Tweny One Pilots' song Hometown.

They met in front of the same coffee shop after their classes to walk to Phil's bus together.  
Once they had gotten in and found some seats near the end of the compartment, Dan started biting his lower lip nervously.   
It had been quite a while since he had met someone's family, and for some reason he felt the urgent need to impress this one especially.   
He still denied that Phil and himself were officially friends now, but that didn't change the fact that he secretly hoped to keep this blossoming relationship alive.

Phil, who had been talking passionately about a novel he was currently reading – something by Stephen King, that much Dan understood – noticed the other boy's behaviour.  
“Are you nervous?” He asked, unable to keep an amused grin from playing over his mouth and his eyes from the younger one's lips.  
Dan rolled his eyes in an annoyed manner, but answered honestly: “Maybe a bit?”   
His smile couldn't fool Phil, who put a reassuring hand on Dan's shoulder while saying:   
“You really don't have to be. It's only my little sis, and the way I know her she probably won't even look up from her phone to notice you.”   
He knew it sounded kind of mean, but it seemed to help, seeing as Dan stopped torturing his poor lip and let out a small laugh. 

“Well, thanks a lot, it's good to know I'm not worth noticing. Still, it's your house and maybe your parents come home early and I'll have to make some awkward small talk or something.”   
“First of all, you are worth a lot more than just noticing, trust me.”   
Dan blushed at that, and then immediately some more because he got embarrassed at how much the comment effected him. Phil looked rather pleased with himself though, as he continued with a wide grin:   
“And in case my parents do come home early, you should probably know that you just broke up with your girlfriend.”   
All embarrassment was forgotten as Dan shouted: “What?!”

 

Phil laughed but still managed to look apologetic as he explained to Dan that the breakup had been the first reason he could think of when his mother had asked him why he was rushing out of the house like a maniac the other night.   
“You can tell her it was lie if you want to, I just thought you wouldn't want me to tell her the truth, you know?”   
Dan nodded slowly.   
Obviously Phil was right, it was worse enough that he knew so much about Dan, the idea of anyone else being in on the secret of his mental state was just pure horror.   
“Yeah, I guess you're right.”   
Both of them sighed, Phil out of relief that Dan wasn't angry at him, Dan because he'd have to follow the older boy's lie in case he ever met his mother.   
“You know, I don't think she'll even bring it up, she thinks you're hurt and sensitive and she wouldn't wan to rub salt into the wound.”   
It was as if he could read Dan's mind, he even removed his hand from his shoulder where it had been burning into Dan's skin and setting his nerves on fire.   
He smiled one last apologetic smile before the bus came to a hold and the two of them got out.

The first thing Dan noticed was that the house was gigantic.   
Three storeys high, with a big balcony around the whole of the second floor and a iron gate in front of the entrance.  
He stopped in his tracks, forgetting what he was talking about, just staring up at this castle Phil was walking up to so naturally.  
“Are you a prince or something?”   
He knew how dumb it sounded, but coming from a family that had never lived anywhere bigger than four room apartments, this was what he imagined a royal home to look like.   
Phil turned around to find his friend paralysed in astonishment.  
He shook his head at the younger boy's reaction and walked back to him, taking him by the hand and saying   
“I wouldn't mind if you kept calling me that, but most people just stick with 'the rich kid' you know?” as he guided him through the gate and the front door, into an entrance hall as big as Dan's entire room.   
This brought the boy out of his frozen state, as he mumbled “You gotta be shitting me.” and started wandering around to explore the mass of pictures in golden frames hanging on the wall to their right.

They showed various younger versions of Phil with his parents and a girl whom Dan assumed to be Amy. At the zoo, during a picnic, on holiday, in their own back yard, always smiling whole-heartedly.   
He was about to turn away when he saw a photo of a maybe five year old boy with ginger hair and a big white rabbit on his arm, smiling the widest smile Dan had ever seen.   
His happiness was contagious.  
He felt Phil coming over from the door, their shoulders brushing slightly as the older boy moved to stand next to Dan.   
“Is this you?” He couldn't take his eyes off of the photo. That boy looked so different than the one on this side of the glass.   
Sure, Phil was still a ray of sunshine, but his appearance had changed from a bright portrayal of those feelings to a black armour.   
Phil didn't answer but when Dan finally turned to face him, he was smiling at the picture as well.

“Why did you change so much?”  
Phil looked confused as he locked eyes with Dan. “Did I?”  
“Yeah, obviously. I mean, the hair. The leather jacket and overall rather dark clothing. The mischievous grin. You're basically the definition of a bad boy.”  
“Am I now?” Phil couldn't help but laugh.   
Instead of answering Dan's questions, he simply opened the door next to the photos and gestured for Dan to follow him. 

They entered the kitchen.   
It wasn't as high tech as Dan had expected, rather old school and with lots of natural wood. It was actually really pretty.   
“Do you want something to eat? Or a drink?” Phil asked, his head already lost in the fridge.  
“Ehm, yeah. Something to drink sounds good. I'll just take what you take.” Dan stuttered, still confused by the sudden change of subject.   
Five minutes later they made their way upstairs, each with a can of coke and Phil with a bowl of crisps.

The stairs ended right in the living room, where the girl from the pictures set on a sofa and watched TV.   
She looked a lot like Phil, those small lips and bright eyes, the tall figure. But her hair was still ginger.   
“Yo, Amy, this is Dan.”   
She only lifted her head for about a second, nodding vaguely into their direction before picking up her phone.  
“Nice to meet you, too.” Dan muttered and Phil shot him an amused look, before addressing his little sister again.   
“We'll be up in my room, don't forget to eat something and turn off the TV before mum and dad get home.”  
Again, her reaction was minimal, but at least she made a noise that could be interpreted as 'sure' and that seemed to be enough for Phil for he continued to walk up the next stairs to the third floor. 

“Is she always like that?” Dan asked as Phil closed the door to his room and set down the bowl on his bedside table.   
His room was just as big as the rest of the house, but Dan felt a lot more comfortable between the posters of their favourite bands and the warm light that came through the balcony door. Another balcony. Dan shot a quick look out into the back garden before sitting down next to Phil on his bed.  
“Yeah, mostly. At least when someone else is around. She can be really lovely though, if she wants to.”   
An expression of pure admiration lit up Phil's face and Dan was about to ask for some stories of those 'lovely' moments when the start melody of Super Mario grabbed his attention.   
“You know how to play?” Phil asked.  
Dan took the second controller and answered: “Do you?” in a challenging manner, to which Phil only raised his eyebrow and pressed start.   
And so the battle began.


	11. Cold nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan meets Phil's parents and it's getting a bit cozy ;)  
> Also, sorry to anyone with a job in administration, Mrs. Miller is a horrible representative, I know!!

It was about two hours later that Amy knocked on the door and entered without awaiting any answer.   
“Phil? It's seven o'clock.”   
Again, she ignored Dan completely, only raising an eyebrow at Phil who had put the controller down immediately and shot the clock over the door a surprised look.  
“It's your turn today.” She added.   
Phil jumped up, swearing under his breath.   
“You forgot, didn't you?”   
It was as if her face couldn't decide what she should be feeling. Her voice sounded disappointed, her brows were raised in annoyance, but her lips couldn't help put laugh at Phil's pethatic try to turn off the TV without stumbling over any cables.  
“No! Yeah, kinda...” He muttered, his food still fighting against the capture of the controlers.  
“But I didn't yesterday, I've got everything, we'll be down in a sec.”  
He stopped his fight for freedom mid movement and locked eyes with his little sister.  
Finally, the amusement won over and her entire body shook as she laughed at him, making a genuine smile appear on his lips as well, before she walked away and shouted over her shoulder:  
“You're such a dork. Just hurry up, will you?”

Dan, who had been sitting on Phil's bed without moving during this whole scene now looked at Phil, the confusion showing on his face as if written down with red edding.  
Before he could even ask anything Phil started explaining:  
“It's tradition in our family that we each take turns cooking dinner, and today it's my turn. I'm sorry, I totally forgot. But hey, this way you don't have any choice but to stay the night, seeing as it would be totally rude not to experience my famous cooking skills, and there won't be a bus home after nine.”   
He winked at Dan, who was still kind of awestruck by these news.   
However, Phil didn't give him any time to protest, but just took the controller out of his hand, put it away with his own one and followed his sister's path out of the room.  
At the top of the stairs he turned around, one eyebrow raised in an amused manner:   
“You coming?”   
And with that they both went downstairs into the kitchen.

Whilst Phil prepared the meal – mashed potatoe with varies types of boiled vegetables – Dan set at the counter and watched him in silence, sometimes nodding along to the music coming out of the radio next to him. He watched how Phil chopped the potatoes, spiced the vegetables, tasted and corrected the sauce.   
He seemed to be fully in his element and it was beautiful.

About half an hour later, Amy reappeared from the living room to set the dinner table and only a few minutes later, their parents came home.   
Dan had been so relaxed whilst observing Phil's skilled movements that he had completely forgotten about them. But when he heard the front door open he nearly fell off his chair in shock.   
Again, Phil calmed him down with a single touch of fingertips against shoulder.

“Oh, this smells wonderful!”   
The woman's voice entered the room a few seconds before she did herself and the friendly sound of it increased Dan's confidence a little.  
“Hello sweety. How was your day?” She asked, giving Phil a kiss on the cheek.   
Then she turned around – probably to greet her daughter – and saw Dan half standing half sitting, a shy smile on his face.   
She walked up to him with a warm expression.  
“Oh sorry, I didn't see you. You must be Dan, it's so nice to meet you.”  
And just like that, Dan found himself surrounded by long arms and the floural scent of perfume.  
“Ehm, yeah, yes. I mean, it's nice to meet you too.” He stuttered as she let go of him.   
He was torn between feeling overwhelmed or welcomed but the fond grin Phil gave the two of them let him decide for the latter and so he added:   
“You have a really beautiful home.”  
“Oh, thank you Dan. We're quite happy with it ourselves.” She laughed as she went on to search for Amy.

Dinner was wonderful, Phil's father greeted Dan just as nicely as his wife had and Phil really hadn't lied when he said he was a great cook.   
Afterwards Dan helped cleaning up, even against the protests of Mrs. Lester, and then the two boys wanted to go upstairs again.

“Are you staying over night, Dan?” Mrs. Lester asked.   
Dan hesitated, but Phil immediately answered: “Yeah he will.”  
“Shall we bring up the second matress then?” Mr. Lester said, already turning into the direction of what Dan assumed to be a storage room, but Phil stopped him.  
“No, you don't have to. It's okay.”

Dan noticed three things in the flash of only a few seconds.  
Firstly, his heart skipping a beat in surprise.  
Secondly, the looks Phil's parents shared, most likely thinking something very wrong.  
And thirdly, which surprised him even more, the realisitaion that Phil was right. It really was okay.  
And so he just smiled at Mr. Lester and added “Thanks anyway.” before fallowing Phil upstairs.

They were laying in silence, facing each other but both lost in their own thoughts, Dan wearing one of Phil's pjs.  
“Hey, you didn't answer my question from earlier.”   
He broke the silence and watched as Phil's eyes found his in the dimm light coming through the balcony window.  
“Didn't I?” He gave him that mischievous grin again, the one that still made him blush every time.  
“No. You know, the one about why you chaged so much.”   
At first it seemed as if he wouldn't answer again, but then he sighed and said:  
“Okay, let's play 20 questions then. You start.”   
Dan couldn't tell if he was smiling, but his voice sounded like it.  
“Alright. Why did you change so much then?”

There was a moment of silence and Dan saw Phil's gaze going blurry, deep in thought, maybe considering his answer.  
“I don't know. To be honest, I don't really think I have. I mean, sure, the hair. But I just got kinda tired of that, happens to the best of us, you just wanna try something different, you know? And the rest of it just happened over time, I guess. But as I said, I don't really think it changed me. My appearance might be dark, but you should know by now that I don't let my happiness be defined by that.”  
Dan couldn't help but stare.   
Those words were so beautiful, so honest, so pure.   
Just like Phil.

He cleared his throught. “It's your turn.”  
“When's your birthday?”  
“Really? Wow, that's deep.” They both laughed at that. “Well, it's the 11th of June. When is your's?”  
“You copycat! 30th of January . So, what do you think about my family?”  
“They're lovely. Honestly.”  
“Even Amy?”  
“Hey, it's my turn! But yes, even Amy. You care a lot about her, don't you?”  
“She's my little sister.”  
“Is that supposed to be your answer?”  
Phil rolled his eyes.  
“Yeah, I do care a lot about her. Do you have any siblings?”  
“No. Sometimes I wish I did. Like, when I see you and Amy, that natural connection. But there are also pretty horrible siblings, so I guess I'm okay with being a lonely child.”  
“True. And even Amy and I have our fights and stuff. It's your turn.”

Dan thought about his next question for a moment, before he rememebered something.  
“Hey, how did you get my phone number?”  
“Oh....ehm, well.”   
Was Phil blushing?   
“You know, when you signed up for uni you had to give them a phone number. And....well, it turns out that Mrs. Miller from administration is rather fond of me. And my money.”  
“You paid her?!”  
“Yeah.” He let out a nervous laugh. “And same for your address, before you waste a question on that.”  
Now they were both laughing, unable to stop for nearly five minutes.

After they had calmed down, there was a conent silence between them whilst they were just looking at each other.   
Their breathing was still going a bit faster than usual from the laughter and sometimes Phil's breath would tingle Dan's nose.   
He realised how close they were, face to face in the same bed. 

He was about to scoop away when Phil whispered in his rough, dark voice: “It's my turn.”  
He looked serious and Dan gulped before nodding.  
“Have you ever kissed a boy?” Phil asked, making Dan shiver.  
He tried to play it cool, a forced laugh escaping his tight throat.   
“Do you remember how you said we were friends?”  
Phil smiled slightly, but his eyes were still completely dark and fixed on Dan.  
“I do. But you didn't answer my question.”

Again, Dan gulped. “No. I haven't.”  
Phil seemed to be even closer now, the room around them fading away, even though none of them was moving.  
“Would you like to?” Phil asked.  
His eyes were now searching the younger boy's face, his gaze tracing his lips and then coming back to his eyes, just to see Dan look at his lips as well.   
The silence seemed endless. 

But then Dan found the other's eyes again and took a deep breath before whispering:   
“Maybe. Someday.”

There was no disappointement, no distance.   
Just a smile, and a shaking finger brushing back Dan's fringe, finding a place to lay down on his neck.   
Still only a whisper.  
“Good night, Dan.”  
Still so close.  
“Good night, Phil.”  
And the hand didn't move away all night.


	12. The Windowsill Looks Really Nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has an early morning with Amy.

Dan woke up early the next morning, the shy sunrise barely filling the room with enough light for him to make out the numbers on the clock.   
6:12. 

Next to him, Phil was breathing slowly. Quiet and safe.   
The sight had a relaxing effect on Dan and so he staid in the warmth of the older boy's half embrace for a moment longer, brushing his fringe out of his eyes carefully, admiring the way long fingers curled into his shirt.   
After what felt like infinity, he loosened Phil's grip on him and got up, his gaze fixed on the other's face the entire time so that he could stop his movements if he showed a sign of him waking up.   
He put on his jumper and socks – the jeans hadn't even come off the other night – and made his way downstairs. 

Hadn't he seen some hot chocolate powder in the kitchen yesterday?   
He felt a bit uncomfortable sneeking around in someone else's house but by now he knew better than to ignore the strange thoughts his brain came up with in the quiet hours when the sun wouldn't expose his weirdness, and so he simply followed the desire of hot choco in the hope of not waking anyone up. 

He found the powder pretty soon and managed to work the kettle as well, and soon enough he set on one of the windowsills at the end of the kitchen, drink in hand and an amazing view out into the garden.   
He let his thoughts drift away, simply enjoying the warmth of the mug in his hand and the strange feeling of home that surrounded him.   
He was so lost that he didn't notice Amy until she set down beside him.

“You're an early bird, too?” She asked, smirking at his surprised little jump.  
Obviously she didn't really expect an answer so Dan just nodded.  
They set in complete silence for a moment, each looking out of the window to see their own version of the rising sun.  
Then Amy spoke.   
“So, you stayed over.” Again, no answer was needed.   
“And you didn't take the second matress.” 

Dan considered leaving this one unanswered as well, but Amy's piercing look told him to fill his part of the conversation.   
“No. Phil stayed over at my place before and I don't have a second matress, so it's no big deal.”   
“Sure.” She said, but they both new very well that that was only half the truth. 

“Do you want another one?” Amy asked a few seconds later, pointing at his empty mug.  
“Ehm. Oh, I hope it's okay. I just....” He stuttered.   
Amy laughed and it was only then that Dan realised how pretty she was when she wasn't ignoring everything but her phone.   
Her eyes had that same sparkle as Phil's.   
“I wasn't accusing you, you know? I was gonna get myself a cup of coffee, so might as well get you something as well.”  
“Oh, right.” 

Gosh, he felt so stupid.   
Hopefully, Phil would wake up soon to play translater with his family.   
“Coffee sounds good.” He said and tried to make up for his weirdness with a smile.  
“Milk? Sugar?” She was already heading towards the maschine, taking a cup out of the cupboard for herself.   
“Ehm, both. Thanks.” And as an afterthought he added: “Amy.”  
She looked at him with a mix of surprise and gratitude, then continued filling the maschine with water whilst Dan watched some birds dance around a big apple tree outside.

“He probably won't be up for another hour.” Amy said as she took her place next to Dan again, holding out a mug of steaming liquid.  
“You might as well go back to sleep yourself.”   
At first, Dan thought she was trying to get rid of him, but than he looked up and saw that she was smiling at him.   
She was just being considerate.  
“Nah, probably won't be able to.” He said and she nodded in understanding.   
“Why are you up so early anyways?” He asked.

For a second she looked trapped, as if he'd caught her doing something really wrong, but in the blink of an eye the smile was back.   
“I always get up early. I like how quiet the house is when everyone's still asleep. So peacefull.   
Plus, dips on the first coffee, as soon as those morons are up, it's hard to get even one drop of caffeine.”   
She made an annoyed face but her voice was full of amusement. 

They were silent again, Dan giving her some space to enjoy said silence.  
I was about half an hour later, their coffee long gone, that she picked up the conversation again.  
“Hey, can I ask you something personal?”  
He turned to face her.  
“It's just...Phil never mentioned you until that night when he ran out of the house as if he had to escape a fire or something.”  
He didn't say anything, still waited for the actual question, even though he already knew what it was.  
“So, I was just wondering. What happened? Obviously, the story of him having to help out his 'heartbroken best buddy' is a total lie.”

Dan considered what exactly she meant by that, but decided to worry about that later.   
First, he'd have to come up with a believable answer.   
Or the truth? No. No, stupid idea.   
So, a new lie.

“Well....You see...” He stuttered, desperately begging his brain for something, anything. But nothing came.   
So he just looked at her like a dear looking at the flashlights of an approaching car.   
Funnily enough, she saved him by submitting: “You two are dating, aren't you?”

Of course he knew that saying yes couldn't end well, but in his desperation to keep the truth a secret he simply nodded.  
And Amy looked happy.  
“That's great! Phil hasn't been in love for ages, it was about time.”

Dan stared at her dumbfolded.   
Love?   
“Love?”   
Oh, shit, the thought had escaped his lips.  
Now it was Amy's turn to stutter.   
“Ehm, yeah. I mean...not that he is....like, right now....You know, I don't know....”   
Than she paused for a second before getting a serious expression and adding: “But he could be. I see the way you two look at each other.”   
And with that, she picked up their cups and left Dan to stare out of the window again, not really seeing anything this time, only cinsidering her words.

The way they looked at each other?  
Sure, Phil was flirty most of the time and yesterday they had.... a moment? A promise? A possibility?  
But had Dan really meant that?


	13. ...so I can say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil notices something is off....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back!!!  
> I am so so so incredibly sorry for leaving you hanging in the middle of the story (I had my reasons, believe me) but I've been getting some random new kudos on this durng the last few weeks (thank you so mcuh for that btw) so I kinda felt inspired to finally pick this thing back up!  
> I hope you can forgive me and that you still wonna read this - although I still cannot promise regular updates bc life and stuff...Anyway, hope you like this, glad to be back, let's do this!

The breakfast was a constellation of warm croissants and irritated glances. Amy kept looking back and forth between the two boys, her mind probably racing behind that fake tired-just-woke-up-look, trying to convince herself of her own words, trying to proof that her early morning thoughts weren't based on thin air, but also keeping an eye on Dan who in turn attempted to copy her sleepy expression in order to keep his own thoughts from dancing openly across his features. Phil however actually did just wake up about fifteen minutes ago and even though his mind obviously hadn't caught up with the two cups of caffein yet, he did seem to notice that something was going on. He kept shooting Dan confused looks, as if hoping that an intense enough stare would magically create some sort of telepathic connection between them.   
If that were to happen, Dan would probably be pretty doomed because all his mind had come up with within the past hour was this:   
Oh gosh. Ooooh gosh. Oh no no no.. No. Oh. Oh no. How do I get out of here? Oh no.  
Needless to say, he was positively panicking.  
The only ones who seemed to notice none of those underlying and secretly overboiling feelings were Phil and Amy's parents, who set at the head of the table, happily enjoying their meal and carelessly chatting about the day ahead of them, simply ignoring the heavy silence that had settled between the three teens and now filled the rest of the dining room.

After they were all done eating, Phil started to clean the table and even though Dan wanted more than nothing to leave this place as soon as possible, he of course offered to help. So they ended up standing alone in the kitchen, Phil leaning against the counter whilst Dan did his best to busy himself. How did that boy manage to look so hot in a crinkled pyjama? And why did he have to watch Dan's every movement so closely? Was he doing something wrong? Or did he just not rock the just-out-of-bed-look as well as Phil? Maybe you need tattoos and dark hair that is already pretty messy anyway to do that...  
“What is it?” He finally asked, putting down the bag of croissants on the empty space next to Phil before leaning against the counter himself. He was careful not to look the other boy directly in the eyes and even stepped back a little when he noticed how close they were again, but when Phil started talking he still couldn't help but be lost in the sound of syrup and cotton and wind. It was impossible not to shiver slightly. It was just a natural reflex by now.   
Phil cleared his throat a few times, whether it was to actually get rid of the night's grip on his vocal cords or just to buy himself some more time, Dan couldn't tell.

“It's just....” He started and broke off immedietly. Dan still didn't look at him, tracing the patterns of the counter's wooden surface instead.  
“Did I do something?”  
Dan's fingers stopped in their track. He didn't lift his head.  
“Dan?”  
His hand reached for the edge of the counter now, holding on to it like it was his safety line in the storm ahead of him.  
“Dan. You can tell me.”  
So that's what it sounds like when syrup turns into those frozen little crystals, the ones that get stuck at the bottom of the glass and form a solid wall of sweetness.  
Dan took a deep breath, his eyes still fixed on the dark wood under hid fingertips.  
“It's not that you did anything wrong...not really...”  
“But?”  
He knew Phil was staring at him, urging him to look up, but this was hard enough as it was and Dan simply couldn't muster the strength to face the other boy's expression.  
“It's something Amy said this morning. About the way you look at me. Or we look at each other.”  
Not sure whether Phil understood where this was going, Dan paused for a moment to let the older one respond if he wanted to. He obviously didn't.  
“Please don't make her responsible for this, it really isn't her fault. Or yours. I knew this from the beginning on and she just kinda reminded me of it again. Unintentionally, I guess. But it's important, so....yeah....”  
Again, silence. He had no idea what he was doing or how in god's name he was gonna end this.  
Why couldn't he just come right out and say it? Why did he care so much about Phil's feelings?

“Ehm, Dan? I have honestly no clue what you are trying to tell me here...What did Amy say?”  
Finally, Dan did tear his eyes away from his hand, catching Phil's eyes that were way too close to him again, way too intense and open and....there.  
He took another deep breath, hoping for the air to simply flow through his brain and take his thoughts right with it on its way out so that they'd just fill the room between them and he wouldn't have to voice them himself.  
Of course, that didn't happen.  
A gulp. A cough. A breath.  
“I need this to stop.”  
Nothing.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Us. I need us to stop.”  
“Stop what?”  
“Everything. It. Whatever this is.”  
“Being friends?”  
“Yeah.”  
Silence.  
“You need us to stop being friends?”  
A nod. Nothing more, but nothing less either.  
“Why?”  
“It's too much. I can't take it.”  
“Take it? As in, I gave it to you?” Phil tried to grin, tried to make it sound like a joke, but they both knew it wasn't.  
“You don't have to do this, you know?”  
Hand on shoulder. His eyes so close.  
“Yes, I do.”  
The hand gone. The eyes, too.  
“If that's really what you need...”  
There was no sweetness at all in his voice this time, no syrup and no sugar crystals. Just empty words.

At least he didn't have to say goodbye to Phil's family since they all had wandered off to their rooms after dinner.  
He packed his few belongings in silence whilst Phil stood in the door to his room and looked out into the corridor. Very few words were exchanged afterwards, most of them a quick description on how to get to the bus station.  
There were no hugs when they stepped out of the front door, no long glances or reassuring gestures.  
However, before Phil closed the door completely he said, not looking at the younger boy but at the road behind him: “I can only help you if you let me.”  
And then he was gone.


	14. Cerebral Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has a little chat at the superhero-café that might just change his mind...

It had been four days since Dan had left Phil's house. Four days of leather jackets walking past, of blue eyes avoiding brown ones and empty seats next to Dan.   
Four days of lonely nights and silent walks. It was exhausting, but it was how it's supposed to be.   
Phil was still too quiet in class, not searching for discussions nearly as much as before, but that would change soon, too, and then everything would be back to normal, to how it had always been and always would be.  
That afternoon, Dan set in a quiet spot near the window at the superhero-café.   
He had tried to avoid any places where the older boy might show up, but considering their history with this place he kind of figured he'd have it for himself.   
Plus, the stupid names of their drinks really did make him chuckle whenever he scanned the menu.   
Right now he was drinking a Hulk Smash – a hot chocolate with a shot of espresso – and the sweet liquid left a warm tingle on his lips whilst he was watching the people passing by.   
He was so focused on their steps that he didn't notice the girl until she set down across from him. Dan looked up, scanning the rest of the store quickly to see if it was maybe just so full that she had to sit with a stranger, but there were plenty of empty tables left – this wasn't really the prime time for coffee – so his new companion seemed to be there on purpose. So he turned to face her...and nearly let his mug fall to the ground when he was met with ocean coloured eyes, soft ginger hair and a smile that reminded him of their first conversation in the morning light.   
Her eyes were sad but her expression tried to hide that fact, her lips curved in what Dan would describe as a copy of happiness, not the original feeling.   
“Hey,” He finally said. “Hi,” She answered.   
“Do you want to drink something?” He asked, shifting awkwardly in his seat. Was this a coincidence or had she been looking for him?   
And how much did she know about his....about Phil? She shook her head: “I've already ordered....” “Okay.”   
She looked at him like she was trying to read his mind so he picked up his mug again in order to focus on something else. Could a drink tranfer super powers? If so, he'd love to have Bruce Benner's nerves of steel right now. They set in silence until the waitress brought Amy's drink, Dan attempting to watch the people outside whilst he could still feel her eyes fixed on him. After taking her first sip she finally said spoke. “I'm sorry.”  
He met her eyes, his forehead in wrinkles. “For what?”  
“I don't know. For what I said, I guess. Whatever it was that made you break up with Phil....”  
Okay, he hadn't expected that. His mind was filled with words, none of them really fitting the matter at hand, none of them enough to explain anything to her.   
“...it was what I said, wasn't it?”  
“No.” The answer came too quickly and they both knew it. She took another sip of her coffee, her ocean blue clouding with this knowledge.  
“I figured it was. You know, it was the only real conversation you had before you left. And, well, it was a bit heavy, wasn't it?” She forced half a smile on her lips and Dan did her the favour of returning it.   
“Yeah, a bit,” He admitted. “But it wasn't really your fault. It's just....you reminded me of something. Something important.”  
“That you can't pull anyone down with you?”  
This time, his mug actually did slip from his hands but he caught it before it could really fall. A few drops of chocolate had spilled on his jeans and he attempted to clean them up after having put the mug down on the table. His head hang low, his gaze fixed on the brown spots, forcefully avoiding Amy.   
How did she know?! What had Phil told her? And how much more?  
Apparently her Maximovcca really did enable her to read his mind for now she lowered her voice and said: “He didn't tell me.”   
And when he looked up at her in doubt she added: “He didn't have to. I know my brother. And more importantly, I know what he looks like when he's worried about someone he cares about...I've seen it a million times.”   
And that's when Dan understood. He understood why she looked caught when he had asked her why she wasn't asleep and why she seemed to be drowning in the deep blue of her own eyes. And she knew that he knew.  
“He's got a bit of a sweet spot for people like us,” she smiled melancholic. “He feels responsible for us – and there is nothing you can do about that.”   
He nodded, even though he didn't quite know what she was expecting from him. Amy watched him closely, maybe reading his mind again, maybe just watching him think, but she seemed to be satisfied with what she saw because she nodded as well and then got up.   
Before she left she turned to face Dan one more time: “I know you don't want to let him in, but it's too late for that. The only thing you can do now to keep him from falling is to let him lift you up.”


	15. Am I screaming to an empty sky?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy's words stick with Dan, bringing thougths to his mind that make him reconsider his decisions...but Phil did some thinking, too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another short chapter, I'm kinda in the flow right now....

Letting him in. Letting him in. Letting him in?   
The words kept repeating themselves in Dan's head, chasing each other in an endless row of question and answer and worry and doubt. He was lying in bed, his curtains closed, Muse playing loudly in the background, his hands fiddling with the hem of his own jumper whilst he was trying to break the circle, to finally come to a conclusion about what to do next.   
He'd left the coffee shop right after Amy, the voices around him suddenly unbearable in combination with his own racing mind, and had been in this exact position for about two hours now.   
Letting him in. It was a scary thought and with every repetition it only became scarier, but Dan forced himself to actually consider the consequences. Realistically, what could happen?   
Phil could abandon him. Or he could abandon Phil. Both of these situations brought goosebumps onto Dan's skin. But what else? What would happen if they actually made it work? Would it last forever? Probably not....then again, it might. It would still be damn difficult. He could never be certain it would stay good, even if he managed to shut his brain down for a while. And neither would Phil. They'd both have to constantly worry about the possibility of a breakdown, something that could shatter everything they'd have up until then. They could have happiness and security and a real relationship – and Dan could destroy it every single second along the way. Like a ticking time bomb. He couldn't do that to Phil, he couldn't possibly ask him to risk that.   
Then again, he didn't. Phil was the one who had started all of this, he had been the one to ask for this and he knew about Dan. But did he honestly think this would work? Had he thought this through? Maybe he really did just have a sweet spot for hurt people and couldn't help himself, maybe he hadn't considered how much harder an actual relationship would be.   
And even if he had, no one said it would be like he imagined it. No one could know for sure how this thing would evolve, what else would happen.   
Letting him in. Behind all the angst, it was a nice idea. A wonderful one even. To think that he'd have someone to belong to, someone to fall back one, to trust. To lift him up.   
And Phil was...well, he was Phil. He was funny and cool and strong and endearing and a bit crazy. And he liked Dan. For whatever reason, he actually liked Dan. And Dan liked Phil. 

He started talking as soon as the older boy opened the door.  
“Her name was Stella, she was my girlfriend in 10th grade. We were together for three weeks before she found out. She said she'd help me, that she liked me for who I was and that the depression wouldn't change that. Two weeks later she broke up with me. I was pulling her down, like my sadness was contagious or something. 'Now that I know that your smile is fake, I cannot un-see it.' Those were her exact words. The thing is, I think her smile was a bit fake afterwards, too. Every time she saw me, her eyes went black. You should have seen it. It was horrible. She had continued our relationship because she thought she could fix me, but that's not how this works. Instead, I think I broke her. And I don't want to break you, too.....You're too beautiful for that.”  
Phil had listened the entire time, his expression unchanging, his fingers curled around the door like he would close it any moment. When he spoke, his voice sounded tired, maybe even disappointed.   
“I'm not her, Dan. You won't break me because I know what I'm getting myself into.   
But you have to know that as well. You have to be sure. So if you do want this, that's great, I want this, too. But please don't promise me to stay if you already know you're going to leave.”  
There was the shadow of a smile crossing his features, his eyes hopeful for just a second before they turned grey again and he closed the door.


	16. I can't take them on my own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're at the library again, and this time, Dan is the one to make a speech.

It was weird, this switch of roles.   
Suddenly, Dan was the one running after the other boy, and Phil was the one avoiding him.   
He wasn't being rude or anything, he simply couldn't be, but it was obvious that he wasn't convinced of Dan's abrupt change of mind. He made sure to sit surrounded by people during every class they shared that day, making it impossible for Dan to come close to him. He found people to walk to their next seminar with, chatting light-heartedly but constantly and ignoring Dan whenever he tried to join in.   
It was difficult. Not only because he wasn't used to all that social interaction – or the attempt of such – but also because he wanted this so much. He even sent Phil a text, asking him to talk after their last class, but never got an answer. When he looked over, he only saw the older boy read the message and bite his lip in what seemed like pure frustration before putting the phone away.   
When they were finally done with their uni day, Dan waited in front of their room, hoping to catch Phil on his way out and convince him to listen., which might have worked if it wasn't for PJ who caught up to Phil right when Dan was about to say something, thereby blocking the way. And just like that, the two of them were lost in the crown of people making their way through the narrow hallway. But Dan wasn't ready to give up. He followed the bit of unnaturally shiny black hair that he could still make out between the heads in front of him, bumping into people and pushing his way through with a constant apology on his lips, until finally he was only a few steps away from Phil – who was entering the library right that moment.   
Dan sighed.   
Great.   
This was just ironic.   
He sighed again, shrugging off the hesitation to repeat their previous encounter here, and slid through the doors into the entrance hall.

His eyes were scanning the rows of bookshelves and laptops, passing foreign and vaguely familiar faces on their search for Phil, until the older boy finally showed up as he turned the corner from linguistic books to language studies. He didn't seem to notice Dan, even as the younger walked right up to him, for his concentration was on finding whatever book he was looking for.   
This gave Dan a moment to think about what he was about to do, slowing his steps abruptly so that the girl behind him bumped into him, her books slipping out from under her arms and making their way toward the ground in a great shuffle of noises which was underlined by her high pitched accusations flying in his general direction as she picked up her things.   
When Dan turned around again, Phil was looking right at them, his hand freeze framed in the process of taking a book from the shelf. His lips still showed the shadow of an amused smile that had probably appeared there during the girl's show but was now turned upside down into an expression somewhere between shock and defeat. Alright, this was it. Dan mumbled another apology to the girl on the ground before locking eyes with Phil.   
This time he didn't allow himself to think. He just walked.   
When he got to the other boy, standing right in front of him, only a few inches between them, Phil had put the book back and was facing him as well. There was a second of silence in which they just stared at each other, kind of like a contest of strength but with an underlying softness. Then Dan moved forward a bit, just enough to reach Phil's ear, to make his next words a secret only they could hear, and whispered: “Now it's my turn.”  
When he leaned back Phil was looking at him in confusion, one eyebrow raised in a way that reminded Dan of every movie bad guy ever but was somehow still so unique that he couldn't help but grin at it, which only increased Phil's curiosity.  
And so Dan took a deep breath, knelt down on one knee and said the exact words that had been spinning around in his head for days now, voicing them fluently, earnestly, like they were just flowing right out of his mouth as soon as he opened it. He didn't even care about the people around them, didn't raise or lower his voice. All he cared about was the boy who was looking down at him now with those incredibly blue eyes and that air of adventure and security, of hope and of trust.

“Phil. Please, I need you to listen to me. I need you to hear me. Because I know that what I'm about to say isn't what you want me to say, but I know that you will still understand, and I hope that, somehow, it will still be enough. For now. For us. Until I can promise you more. You're right, I wasn't sure, I was scared and I wanted to run away from the beginning. And I am sorry. Phil, please, I am so so sorry.”   
He felt tears building up in the corners of his eyes but he pushed them away. He wanted to see Phil clearly, to be able to read his every move.   
“And I'm still not sure. I cannot promise you anything, not even that I'll try because I don't really know how. But what I can do is hope. And trust. Trust, that you will show me how to stay, how to believe in this, how to believe that you want me. And hope that that will be enough. I know it isn't, not really. But it's all I have right now and I just....I need that to be enough.”  
He felt the salty taste on his lips before he realised that he was crying. The tears had betrayed him, but that was okay. Because, before his vision went blurry behind the water, he saw Phil nod. And then he felt him take his hand. He felt his warm fingers wrapping around his cold ones, Phil's thumb tracing the lines on the back of his hand.   
He closed his eyes for a moment to focus on just that, the warmth and the touch and the relief. He was met with a warm smile when he opened them again and his lips responded automatically.   
“So, I cannot give you what you want, what you deserve, right now.” He saw Phil shake his head in what he understood as acceptance. “But I trust you. And I want this to work, I need you to know that. I cannot promise anything for the future but I promise you that I really really want this right now. So, please, Phil,” Dan took Phil's hand into both of his own to underline his words. “know that I 100% mean it when I say: Will you grab a coffee with me?”

He could vaguely make out some laughter around him, but he didn't really listen. Not when Phil's face was lightening up like this, his lips breaking into a sidewayed grin, and his hands pulling Dan up to him.   
“As long as it's not a date, I don't see a problem with that,” he whispered, but his lips were already too close to Dan's to properly form the words so it came out as more of a whizz. They both chuckled, the air dancing between them.   
And then their lips met. 

It was a soft kiss, tender and cautious. Phil pulled back after just a few seconds, his hands still holding Dan's, his breath warm against his mouth as he leaned in again for another short peck. Dan's fingertips were tingling, his eyes lost in Phil's features, his hair, his lips, the lines near his eyes when he smiled.   
He could hear both of their hearts and it was the most fascinating thing he ever experienced.   
The quickened beats, the blood rushing through his body, the feeling of them, just them, alone in the universe.   
“Coffee?” Phil whispered.


	17. My heart is free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. Honestly, it's just plain fluff.  
> And it's the second to last chapter *wuuuhuuu*

“Phil?”   
He held his mug close to his nose, the warm steam reminding him of Phil's breath now that the other boy was sitting so far away from him on the other end of the small table. They were at the superhero café. Dan kind of hoped that would make it their place. He had ordered a Hulk Smash again whilst Phil was drinking a Captain Americano.   
Their hands were touching under the table, but not quite intertwined, and it made Dan wish they were somewhere else, somewhere where they could be close again, where they didn't have to talk to be connected.   
They had talked a lot.   
About what had happened before, Dan's multiple changes of mind, his fears and insecurities regarding Phil's interest in him. About Phil's reasons to like the younger boy (there were quite a lot and Dan blushed more and more with every single one) and his plans on how to 'find happiness' as he called it (again, quite a lot, and Dan let him explain them all without voicing any of his concernes). They had talked about Amy and Phil's parents and even a bit about Dan's past.   
And sometimes they had just looked at each other in happy silence. Like now.   
But there was one thing left on Dan's mind.

“Phil?”   
“Yeah Dan?”  
Dan shifted nervously, putting his mug down on the table and searching for words.  
“I know I said I can't promise you anything for the future...but...is this....I mean...”  
Phil grinned and he tried again.  
“Are we in a relationship?”  
Phil grinned even wider and put his mug down as well as he leaned forward.   
“Do you want us to be in a relationship?” He asked.  
Dan bit his bottom lip, thinking about it, but not for long.  
“Yeah.”  
Phil leaned back, something like relief crossing his features as he smiled and said: “Then yes, we are.”  
Dan smiled, too.  
“So I can call you my boyfriend?”  
Phil chuckled.  
“Yes.”  
Dan leaned in closer over the table.  
“And I can hold your hand in public?”  
Phil nodded and their hands met.  
“And I can kiss you whenever I want?”  
Phil smiled his mischievous, wonderfully heart-melting smile as he nodded and Dan leaned in the last few inches to meet his lips.   
He grinned when he pulled back and took his mug with the hand that wasn't holding Phil's.  
“I think I can get used to that,” he said before taking another sip and over the edge of his mug he saw Phil look at him with a light in his eyes that he'd never seen before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a really short chapter and I've thought about putting it together with chapter 16, but I kinda wanted this to be it's own thing. Anyways, I hope you liked it, kudos and comments always warm my heart ;)  
> This is kinda already the end since they are finally settled now, so there will only be one more (also really fluffy) chapter!  
> Also, thanks to my sis for the coffee name, I think it's perfect for Phil's new favourite drink!!


	18. Holding On To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months later...everything is fluffy!

TWO MONTHS LATER

Laughter is filling the Lester household, the sound echoing from the sunlit walls like golden bells, as the small group sits in the living room.   
They are gathered around the coffee table - Phil, Dan, PJ, his girlfriend Sophie, Amy and her two friends Emely and Sam – all cuddled up on the varies sofas and listening to each other's ridiculous stories.   
“Come on, Phil, tell us your side of the story!” PJ insists after the laughter comes down a bit.   
“Oh, you don't wanna hear that after Dan's version – he is a way better story teller than I am.”  
He places a small kiss on the younger boy's nose and pulls him closer with an arm around his shoulders, making everyone else aawww at them.   
“Oh, come on now, we wanna know what you thought when he dropped down on one knee in front of you!” Sophie supports PJ, who nudges Phil's leg teasingly.  
“Yes, Phil,” Dan adds, raising his eyebrows “what did you think when I did that?”  
“Well...” Phil starts and immediately the others lean forwards in their seats, awaiting a new version of the rather light hearted and joky story Dan had told them before.  
“If I remember it correctly, the first thing I thought was 'I really need to remember to take out that book later'” Dan pushes against his ribs but joins the groups' laughter.  
“And then I thought 'how the hell does anyone look that beautiful from such a bad angle?'”   
Another round of adoring aawws makes its way through the room and this time Dan leans in softly to meet his boyfriend's lips, a simple smile on both their lips.

Later they are up in Phil's room, cuddled up under the blankets and still laughing at some of their friend's comments on their love stories. The older boy's arms are wrapped closely around Dan, who presses his face into the other's shirt as he chuckles over Phil's impression of his best friend.   
Phil looks down at his boyfriend lovingly, kissing his forehead before placing his fingers under the other boy's chin to lift his lips up for a deeper, more longing kiss.   
Dan lifts his hand into the older's hair, playing with the soft ginger waves.  
“You know, I really like your natural hair,” he mumbles against Phil's lips, not quite willing to break the kiss completely.   
“Yeah?” Phil mumbles back, pecking his boyfriend's lips with a soft grin.  
“Yeah. It makes you look really cute.”   
Phil leans away about an inch despite Dan's protesting whimpers.  
“I'm not cute,” he says, making a seriously offended face. “I'm a bad guy, a total rebel. I am hot and mysterious.”  
“'Cause you are. Now give me back your lips, please,” Dan chuckles, grabbing the other boy's shirt to pull him closer.   
“I am,” Phil insists before giving in.

For about three minutes, the room disappears around them, their minds filled only with each other's presence and the warmth of intertwined limbs.   
Eventually, Phil breaks their kiss, barely moving away from his boyfriend whilst pushing a strand of hair out of his eyes. His gaze is focused on the other boy, following his fingers around his jaw and neck before turning back to his eyes.   
“Dan?” He whispers, his voice soft enough not to disturb the cosy tension between them.  
“Yeah?” Dan answers just as carefully, meeting ocean blue eyes and immediately getting lost in them.  
Phil hesitates, licking his lips and kissing Dan's cheek before opening his mouth again.  
“I love you.”

There is a glimmer of surprise in the younger boy's expression, but then it is replaced by pure happiness as he leans in to place a passionate kiss on his boyfriend's lips.  
When he pulls away, he entangles their fingers under the blanket and leans his forehead against the other's.  
“I love you, too.”  
Phil's smile is contagious, his warmth spreading through his fingertips right over to Dan, tingling on his skin and making his cheeks blush.

He knows things still aren't perfect, that he still has bad days and doubts and little demons telling him that none of this is real, that he still has a long way to go – but right now, in this very moment, the world seems to be completely wonderful. He feels safe here, like he belongs to Phil and like right now nothing could hurt them, ever.   
So he cuddles up closer to his boyfriend, pulling the blanket up to their chins to keep them shielded away from the rest of the world, and repeats the words that make him happier than anything he ever said before.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so, this is it!  
>  I really really hope you liked this and that you enjoyed the entire story - comments always make my heart sing!  
> And thank you so much everyone who left kudos, it really does mean a lot to me <3
> 
> Also, I still have a few little ideas for this story so if you'd like I could do some one shots all through Dan and Phil's future - fluff, love, sadness, drama, everything is flowing around in my brain right now!
> 
> Aaaand, since this is the last chapter of this story (for now?) I just wanna point out that obviously none of this is real and I don't own most of the mentioned characters since the are almost all actual people with actual lifes and thoughts and all that fun stuff.....
> 
> Again, hope you liked it, please let my know your thoughts and thanks to every single one who read this <3


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